jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
