i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
