i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
