please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just invented taco cereal.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
