my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
