I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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