Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have feelings that need drinking.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
