her vagine was all disorganized.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
