I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
