the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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