Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Randomize
