omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
