Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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