I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
