you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You need Xanax blowdarts
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
