so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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