I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You dont lie about slip and slides
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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