watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Is it because I queefed?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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