We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You did what with his pubic hair?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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