he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
