Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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