Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
