Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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