I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
