i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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