Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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