I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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