Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
