He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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