after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
