Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
