I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
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She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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