i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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