I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
