You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
