I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
