i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
