Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
