this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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