Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
