I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
