Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
