Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
