Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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