He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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