Already got asked if we're dating
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
