i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
