I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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