Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
