i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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