he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just invented taco cereal.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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