I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
