I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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