Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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